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Thursday, November 3, 2011

Pride in Losing

It's been years since I've been able to have any kind of regular exercise schedule, but now that the children are getting a bit older and easier to care for, I'm trying to fit it in whenever I can. This has been going on since the beginning of August. It's really not much, maybe 1-3 times per week... but usually once, and on a super lucky week - maybe twice. Mostly deep water aerobics, with a little aqua zumba and some boxing training. I've been disappointed because I haven't lost one pound since stepping in the gym.... but today, while I was kicking my heart out in 12 feet of water as the final song of the session played - "We Are the Champions" I realized that the results of my most recent measurements are directly related to my workouts. I haven't lost anymore in my chest (thank goodness!) and I'm the same in my arms, though I know they are more defined, so I think that means I've gained some muscle there and lost a little bit of my "chicken wings" : ). Waist is the same too, but I know my pants in a smaller size fit better than they did this summer and even my hips oddly are the same. BUT I lost an inch off each thigh and 3/4" off each calf! That's pretty awesome.

But what I'm really proud of? That I haven't taken one pill, not one fad-shake, cleanse, boost or powder or appetite suppressant as a means to do it. I've only eaten REAL foods, real fruits and vegetables and I feel awesome because of it and not one pound has come back in over a year and a half (within reason, obviously, the body fluctuates and I've fluctuated +3 to -2 over the months, but nothing that's lasted). I feel like I can be super proud of this and I'm finally going to say it here because I don't make a practice of bragging on facebook or talking about any weight loss there. I'm not saying people shouldn't brag about their weight loss accomplishments on facebook, I just don't because I always had this weird feeling of jinxing my progress. I also feared opening up a can of worms with a public forum about my personal journey out in the open for all those nay-sayers and negative-nellies to balk at my lifestyle choice - I just don't think that's what I need. Over the last year, I've seen several people talk about trying this or that with the same results... unsustainable. Eating juiced meals or taking pills just isn't something you can do for the rest of your life. And when you quit? Those pounds are going to eventually sneak back up on you, hopefully NOT with a few extra friends in tow. I'm glad I finally figured this out and I'm staying where I'm at because I take it all in moderation.

Yes, I could probably drop another 10 pounds if we never ordered pizza again (and we order the absolute healthiest thing we can get now) never drink again, never partake in any celebratory cake or dessert, and work out 6 days a week. But is that sustainable? Not with my life. I want to enjoy those parts too, so it's all about moderation for me. And that is probably why I'm at the same spot in pounds as I was a few months ago. And I'm okay with that. My body is still going through this strange reconfiguration even if it's not shedding pounds, it's still changing-- toning, tightening the skin, regaining some of that more youthful appearance I thought I'd lost forever. So for now, I'm pretty okay with that, too. I feel like I haven't felt since I was in my 20's - excited to go out, to try on jeans, to get dressed up, wear something daring, hit a club... I really thought these days were behind me and in some ways, I'm a little annoyed that I didn't get healthier sooner. But I can't live in the past, I have to focus on the future and keep moving forward. I was in mommy-mode for a while and I'm glad that I've regained some of myself again before it was too late and I'm too old. It's taken me a year to give myself the permission I deserve to be a fun wife and still be an awesome mom. I know deep down, that in doing so, I'm teaching them so many more things that I wouldn't have otherwise. Sometimes, it still doesn't feel real, like it could change in an instant, or that if I talk about it, it will suddenly disappear, so I'm trying to quit living in fear and just keep doing what I've been doing. I'm proud of where I'm at- 43 pounds lighter- and that I got here in the most natural, steady, healthiest way possible. And I plan to stay that way.

At "Tonic" in Lawrence, with my hot husband.

Having a blast with my sister... the bouncer said he thought we were twins (lol) not 10 years apart.


  1. You're beautiful. Keep it up sister! I'm so proud of you and I'm so excited to not be in this deep with mommy-mode someday so I can feel like you describe! Thanks for the inspiration!

  2. Thank you, you're so, SO sweet. I've come to the realization that until you have all your babies above the 3 1/2 year threshold, there's just no "mommy time". Even if you can make it, you'd be too damn exhausted to use it. Give yourself a "pass" until then and just eat as healthy as you can, as often as you can, until then and that will at least give you a good foundation to spring board from. We just have to succumb to the reality that we CANNOT do it ALL. just can't : ) be the best mom you can for now, your time will come back around... love ya, girly!